Thanks to the Smurf Name Generator, I have the coolest Smurf Name ever — cooler than “Stews In His Own Gravy Smurf,”, cooler than “Lemon-Fresh Smurf.”

I am Hannibal Smurf.

I will write it again: I am Hannibal Smurf.

Five afterthoughts:

1. Aimee, if you’re reading this: check out Viggo Mortensen’s Smurf Name. You will die.

2. It kind of sucks that my brother will also be Hannibal Smurf. Sorry. I am the Hannibal Smurf.

3. Orlando Bloom is Drippy Smurf.

4. Tom Cruise is Fetid Smurf.

5. I am the Hannibal Smurf.

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