The Wily Filipino

The New Amazon Search Engine.

I don't know what Amazon.com was thinking, but their new search engine -- one that seemingly makes you look inside books by default -- renders the browsing experience needlessly, stupidly difficult. It's confusing, it's annoying -- but a little amusing as well.

For instance, there are apparently 16 references to the word "asshole" in this book (all typos and whatnot are Amazon's fault). Can you guess what the book is? =)

(I'm almost tempted to make this a contest, since I have a whole stack of duplicate CDRs that are going into the trash, but...)

1. on Page 27: ". . . before it drains, enough drains, but maybe that'll be good, natural, a slow draining, like a leeching-not like a leeching, asshole you sick fucking asshole-not a goddamn motherfucking leeching- Would we tell people how it happened? No, no. This would be . . ."

2. on Page 139:
". . . tree. He'll hit me like he hit me then-one good shot, in the sternum, sending a quick, simple message-You're an asshole-that I felt for months, every time I breathed. I find my car and drive across town, all the passing headlights . . ."

3. on Page 157:
". . . down from the wall; I can't sit, I'm wired. I pace in front of her. I got their plates! Stupid assholes. The police car pulls up two minutes after. It looks huge. The engine roars. It's immaculate, shiny like an enormous . . ."

4. on Page 263:
". . . says, chuckling, amused by me. "Don't sweat it. Don't worry," he says, with what seems to be exaggerated drunkenness. Asshole. "It's cool. It's mellow." He's really talking like this. I want to kick him in the head. "Then where are . . ."

5. on Page 264:
". . . 264 A H W()SG "Why are you talking like an asshole?" He does a gesture indicating drinking, the throwing back of a shot, the kind of gesture you make when you . . ."

6. on Page 266:
". . . part about how we don't know what he took or when, I point to John with my thumb and then: Asshole does the cute shrug for the cops! But his eyes are starting to look nervous. Maybe he did take something. . . ."

7. on Page 272:
". . . hands in fists, the hands tied down, as the color continues to drain I watch the stupid fucking dickhead asshole sleep. Then he gets up. He is awake and he is standing, and pulling the tubes from his mouth, from . . ."

8. on Page 290:
". . . side. How could we wait for so long and be so devoted and ready, only to have this roundbacked asshole devour our chance for an audience with Bill? This will not stand. I will toss him aside if need be. . . ."

9. on Page 317:
". . . anger." "Of course it is. These people have already attained, at wha ever age, a degree of celebrity that you assholes will never reach, and you feel, deep down, that because there is no life before or after this, that fame . . ."

10. on Page 339:
". . . her to marry you, and together you will fight through AIDS, because-no, she won't want anything to do with you, asshole- . . ."

11. on Page 398:
". . . about eight particles-I'm stepping on them! Of course I am! Of course I'm stepping on them, how fitting! How expected, asshole! I lean over to pick up the particles but I already have a handful in the other hand and as . . ."

12. on Page 401:
". . . of the cremains. I should keep some. I could keep just a few bits, as souvenirs. Souvenirs! What kind of asshole- What a fucking sick dickhead, souvenirs, thinking of souvenirs. I shake out the bag. I do not like to have . . ."

13. on Page 406:
". . . yes, she grabbed at the air, grabbed for us and for you, and where are you? Where are you motherfucking assholes? . . ."

14. on Page 413:
". . . when I drive no-handed, using only my knees, for a little while, lookee here, ha ha, look at this! "Don't, asshole." "What?" "Use your hands." "You can't call me that." "Fine. A-hole." And as distressing as this, his first curse, is the . . ."

15. on Page 422:
". . . minute or so of silence. I turn up the radio. "Then let me out." "I want to let you out, asshole." "Then let me out." "I mean, are you trying to break some record? Like, right now, you're sitting here, seemingly . . ."

16. on Page 445:
". . . the humid wooden walls. It was at first warm and for a while the sweating felt good, but then some asshole kept putting water on those rocks, or whatever they do to make it hotter, and then I couldn't breathe, and . . ."

Posted by the wily filipino at October 26, 2003 08:38 PM