I've already written about 1983 -- Spandau Ballet's "True" -- was my pick of the year. But because my friend Jane (when are you ever going to update your site?) is throwing a 1983 party, I felt inspired to write more about the year. (Guests are supposed to come dressed as they were in 1983, so Jane is apparently wearing a mohawk, in tribute to Nina Hagen. I'm still trawling eBay for a long-backed Lacoste polo shirt in white or red, like the kind Ted Shackelford used to wear on Knots Landing -- add on a pair of tight blue jeans, white socks, and Sperry Topsiders and I'm set.)
1983 actually wasn't a bad year, as it was the true beginning of my musical education: it was the first time I could afford to buy a long-playing album, because my allowance was upped (yes, I started late): The Police's Synchronicity. I still think it's unbelievably good, though it spelled the death of the Police as a tight power trio and the beginning of Sting and His Inflatable Head. 1983 had some great pop nuggets like Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean," the Pretenders' "Back on the Chain Gang," Men At Work's "Overkill," Dexy's Midnight Runners' "Come On Eileen," The Human League's "(Keep Feeling) Fascination," The Clash's Combat Rock (okay, so "Rock The Casbah" isn't exactly PC nowadays), Musical Youth's odd reworking of the Mighty Diamonds' "Pass The Kutchie," Joe Jackson's "Breaking Us in Two," and (you-all can criticize me for this one) Stephen Bishop's "It Might Be You."
But looking back in my old age, the best part of 1983 was really the worst parts. Some of the worst/best parts were truly grim:
- Bonnie Tyler, "Total Eclipse of the Heart"
Little comes close to the sheer excess of "Total Eclipse" -- the lyrics, the hoarse histrionics. And that video: billowing curtains, flowing nightgowns, kids right out of Village of the Damned. "Turn around bright eyes" -- what the fuck was the point of having children with glowing eyes??? Guns 'n Roses would later come up with "December Rain," but few songs can touch our Bonnie. It's time for a chest-pounding Celine Dion remake.
- Styx, "Mr Roboto"
For the longest time, I thought this was called "Secret Secret." Taken from the concept album -- a phrase I don't miss -- Kilroy Was Here ("Kilroy! Kilroy!"), "Mr. Roboto" spelled out themes of technological alienation and xenophobia... why am I bothering to dignify this with a reading?
- Toni Basil, "Mickey"
I really never want to hear this ever again.
- Laura Branigan, "Gloria"
Fuck, this was bad. And the fact that she also came out with "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" in the same year and have it covered by Michael Bolton compounds her offense. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
- Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson, "The Girl Is Mine"
The idea of Paul and Michael duking it out over a "doggone girl" -- oh, wait, there's no "duking it out," since Michael did say "Paul, I think I told you, I'm a lover not a fighter."
- Air Supply, "Making Love out of Nothing at All"
One line, taken at random: "The beating of my heart is a drum and it's lost and it's looking for a rhythm like you."
- Toto, "Africa"
Sorry, Barbara, but it sucked. At least they had the good taste not to have any musicians from Soweto guest on the track.
- Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack, "Tonight I Celebrate My Love For You"
Ick. They're about to have sex.
My vote for Supreme Craptastic Godhead Song of 1983 goes to "Making Love out of Nothing at All" for its completely overblown lyrics ("You can take the darkness from the pit of the night / And turn into a beacon burning endlessly bright"), the ever-increasing octaves, an actual guitar solo, the background choir singing "Making love!" in falsetto, and... I'm getting exhausted just thinking about it. The dubious charms of this song lies in the fact that, on its surface, the song was your prototypical Big Power Ballad, except that it was performed by the Siegfried and Roy tag team of '80s Music. "And every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes / Like a spotlight." Who makes these things up?
Posted by the wily filipino at October 29, 2003 11:54 AMi emphatically concur with most of yr 'worst of 1983' list but how can u say toto's 'africa' sucked? how in yr right mind can ya do that!!!! the song's a gem ;-)
Posted by: bjpr on October 29, 2003 12:46 PMthanks for reminding me -- i have to look for some early michael bolton. maybe throw in some journey, too.
Posted by: OneJap on October 29, 2003 05:42 PMWow! I was too busy watching He-Man and The A-Team to remember any of the music. :-D
It always makes me nauseous when I realize that somewhere deep in my subconscious is a library of Air Supply lyrics, and, when prompted by Jingles Songhits or Karaoke, I can will myself to sing them.
I might be wrong, but Inspector Mills was my favorite song during that time. It may have come out a year earlier.
Posted by: Happy on October 31, 2003 10:00 AMUh, let's not forgot Lionel Richie's Can't Slow Down juggernaut .. and weren't there some insanely great Roberta Flack, Robert Palmer, and Debarge songs that year? Got to get my back issues of Billboard out of whatever storage hell they're in.
Posted by: Jordan on October 31, 2003 05:42 PMHappy: "Inspector Mills" came out the year before, I think; this was when America dropped its folk image and started doing "rock" with the execrable "You Can Do Magic."
Jordan: Lionel Richie was indeed horrible, but I remember slow-dancing to "Truly" with this crush of mine, so...
Robert Palmer's best song ever, "Johnny and Mary," came out maybe in 1979 or 1980...
And Debarge's "Time Will Reveal," which did come out in '83, wasn't half bad (great falsetto singing toward the end); it's "Who's Holding Donna Now?" and "The Rhythm of the Night" that stank.
Posted by: the wily filipino on November 1, 2003 08:58 AM