The Wily Filipino

Sap, Part 3.

A reader writes (I was doubling up with laughter while reading his message):

Reading your blog -- my first slow dance was to Fogelberg's "Same Old Lang Syne" with sweet [name withheld to protect the poor woman's privacy], in some Jewish youth-group synagogue lock-in. She was adopted and shiksa-hot! (I disgusted her but was in the right place at the right time. And then her family moved out of town.)

Man, my church youth group never had any slow dances! I remember huddling together in prayer circles and my knees probably grazing someone else's, but that was it.

I actually can't remember my first slow-dance at all -- more like first dance, period (see below); my second slow-dance was with L--- P--------- -- my old high-school classmates would probably know exactly what the initials stand for -- to Lionel Richie's "Truly." (Eek.) It's even sadder because she was so coupled up at the time with our (now) most prominent alumnus. Now if only I could remember who my very first slow-dance was -- actually, at this point, I don't care who, but what the damn song was...

The funny part is that all my high school dances were slow dances; I think my teachers were still coming from some odd '50s-type morality regarding "rock and roll music," so all the music was so-called "sweet music," i.e., the sap I've been writing about for the last four days. It wasn't until my senior year, I think, that boys finally stopped holding girls' waists and girls stopped holding boys' shoulders and starting dancing apart (or worse, in a circle, maybe even with handbags in the center). The joke was that teachers would go around with a ruler to test and see how far apart we were, but thankfully they didn't mention how far down one's hands could go. I think the rule was you had to be able to fit a fist -- nice image there -- between our bellies or something...

(This dates me, but our prom theme song was Fiction Factory's "Feels Like Heaven" -- that's because we were ultra-cool new wave types.)

Meanwhile, J-Lu ups the ante by sending me Paul McCrane's great "Is It OK If I Call You Mine?" It's actually a really quite sweet sappy song which I probably haven't heard in maybe two decades; I may have even slow-danced to it as well! (It isn't as good as Irene Cara's "Out Here On My Own," though, and J-Lu and I agree.)

In any case, I'm beginning to rethink my choice of "Same Old Lang Syne" for Sappiest Song. The Poeta called it "articulate," which is true; there is something appealing, after all, about sharing a six-pack with a former girlfriend, though I certainly wouldn't "drink a toast to innocence." (I almost wrote that I'd probably drive up to Twin Peaks, but that's really for the kids.) And so here are my new candidates (taken from suggestions from you folks), along with their criteria:

Air Supply's "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All":

- As I wrote before, "Bohemian Rhapsody"-like bombast, complete with Hair Metal Band Guitar Solo and dramatic structure (quiet first stanzas complete with tinkling piano, out-of-control falsettos sung in unison by the middle, post-orgasmic lull at the end).
- The choir singing "Making love!" in the background.
- "The beating of my heart is a drum and it's rough and it's looking for a rhythm like you."
- The choir singing "Making love!" in the background. Oh, wait, I already wrote that.

Dan Hill's "Sometimes When We Touch":

- The most embarrassingly honest lyrics ever: "I wanna hold you till I die / Till we both break down and cry / I wanna hold you / Till the fear in me subsides."
- The most embarrassingly clunky lyrics ever: "A hesitant prizefighter / Still trapped within my youth."
- The worst opening lines ever: "You asked me if I loved you / And I choked on my reply."
- One pretty much has to sing this with one's eyes closed like Joe Cocker (who's responsible, come to think of it, with the very sappy "You Are So Beautiful." Remember that little oh-so-sincere voice quaver at the end?)

Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart":

- Features an absolutely psychedelic video with windblown big hair, billowing curtains and those fucking creepy "bright eyes."
- An almost prog-rock structure, with interludes and choruses and codas galore.
- "Once upon a time I was falling in love / Now I'm only falling apart." "Once upon a time there was light in my life /Now there's only love in the dark." Says. It. All.
- Lends itself best to karaoke screaming.
- Disco version released about a decade later.

Mp3s may be available by request, in case you need to make up your mind.

Posted by the wily filipino at August 6, 2005 01:02 AM